[Cassian considers leaving Bodhi to his droid. Taking his cigarettes and going for a walk to clear his head and fall back into old routines. It's not that he wants Kay to be forgotten. He could never forget the droid that had been like best friend at times and a responsibility at others. They took care of each other.
It's just that thinking about everything he gave up, from the very beginning with his father, to the end with his life, sets him on a dangerous path. Opening the boxes he kept everything so tightly locked down in could easily lead to disaster for him. It could get out of hand. He could lose himself to the emotions. There were a lot of them, and he had rarely allowed himself to deal with any of them. They would devour him if he let them loose.
He watches the droid follow on Bodhi's heels and pushes to his feet, moving toward the kitchen. There's a long pause while he considers his next course of action, watching Bodhi prepare the water for tea, and then he's behind the pilot with a tired forehead pressing into the back of his shoulder. A moment later it's followed by Cassian leaning into him just slightly.
He doesn't know how to even begin to share this. So he starts with the truth he tells himself every time, though it feels like a lie each time he says it.]
no subject
It's just that thinking about everything he gave up, from the very beginning with his father, to the end with his life, sets him on a dangerous path. Opening the boxes he kept everything so tightly locked down in could easily lead to disaster for him. It could get out of hand. He could lose himself to the emotions. There were a lot of them, and he had rarely allowed himself to deal with any of them. They would devour him if he let them loose.
He watches the droid follow on Bodhi's heels and pushes to his feet, moving toward the kitchen. There's a long pause while he considers his next course of action, watching Bodhi prepare the water for tea, and then he's behind the pilot with a tired forehead pressing into the back of his shoulder. A moment later it's followed by Cassian leaning into him just slightly.
He doesn't know how to even begin to share this. So he starts with the truth he tells himself every time, though it feels like a lie each time he says it.]
There wasn't time.