doandordie | IC Inbox

[ hours after this, late evening ]

Are you home?

[Cassian grabs his phone from the bedstand as it buzzes, half dressed and laying on his too soft bed with a good view of the ceiling. He wasn't asleep, that rarely ever happened, but he had been recharging and trying to let go of some tension.

He rubs at one eye as he stares at the text before slipping out of his bed and tugging a shirt on over his head. He messes up his own hair with a hand running through it and shifts to his feet, sliding them into his shoes and tugging his door open.

He has no idea if this is going to be a purely text convo or if this is more along the lines of a 'need to not be alone' thing, but he doesn't feel like staying in his room for it.]

Hallway. What's going on?

[Because everything is always three words away from an emergency for Cassian.

[ Jyn hesitates but then responds with just: ]

I need someone here.

[ Followed by ]

Please.

[ She's feeling a little desperate deep down. Trying to keep it shoved down but it keeps slowly rising further up. ]

On my way up.

[Her floor is just one above his, so he makes his way up after quietly securing his door, and knocks lightly on hers when he reaches the seventh.]

[ She's waiting by the door inside, not having responded. She opens the door and it's dark inside. She doesn't wait for him to come in but reaches out with her hand and takes his, tugging him inside.

Her head is down, avoiding looking at him directly.

She'll close the door once they are both inside and pulls him in the direction of her bedroom, the moonlight from the outside giving the only light in the apartment. ]

[He stops halfway into the living room, grip tightening on her hand where she's holding onto him, a perplexed expression on his knit brows.]

Jyn. [She hadn't sad anything, and she was acting off. There was concern climbing into his tone, but he doesn't budge.] What's going on? Talk to me. [He tries to redirect her. The balcony has fresh air. Maybe that'll do her more good. He can only guess.]

[ She resists the redirect, shaking her head and tugging on his hand to stay inside. For once, she didn't want more air. She wanted her body to stop feeling so heavy, her chest painfully tight.

She shakes her head again, her expression growing pinched as she tries hard not to give away any more than she already has. Her voice is quiet, small in a way. ]

I just want to lay down. Please.

[Cassian hesitates, watching her reactions, confusion at the forefront followed by concern. It's impossible to guess what has caused this reaction, but he relents, following her to the bedroom despite his discomfort at not having a read on her or information available to help him understand the situation he's dipping into.

Reluctantly, he takes a seat on the edge of her bed when she lays down, watching her in silence and waiting for an explanation to come.]

[ After what happened and the things said, she's not likely to divulge it anytime soon. To anyone. Even to someone as close to her as Cassian. She lays down on her back at first and then rolls over to her side, looking at him but not for long. She's seen a version of that look before. Though it's less cold than last time she saw it.

A lot has happened since then.

She reaches out a hand for him to take. She swallows hard. Almost feels like swallowing pride. ]

Can you just... hold me? Let me hold you... I can't explain it.

[ It's a terrible thing to admit for someone that spent so much time trying to be alone. Convincing herself she was better suited that way. Or it feels terrible. But Cassian knows her better than most by now. It's less terrible saying it to him. ]

[Initially Cassian had been fine with the droid. He had assumed he would continue to be fine with the droid because it was so different in every way from Kay.

For seven months he had boxed away every thought of Kay the moment it began to shift into something painful or emotional. He had barely spoken about what had happened to anyone, and he had not dealt with the loss.

The droid was working better than even Cassian had anticipated. Part efficient programming and part canine personality. It acted in many ways like an earth canine. It followed Bodhi around more often than not, but when Bodhi was not near, it turned to Cassian. That was the problem.

Cassian had not programmed it to seek him out or vy for his attention. He didn't want it to associate him as its master in any way. And yet as he sat there it continued to try and garner attention or affection from him. A collection of household items and dog toys were piled at his feet. The droid held a durable ball in its mechanical jaws with a trial and error learned gentle grip, its tail wagging back and forth.

Cassian was locked in a staredown with it, his hands in his lap and his eyes distant and unfocused.

It was nothing like Kay. So why did its efforts to get him to engage it make that ache in his chest come back every time?]

Edited 2017-07-19 20:22 (UTC)

[Bodhi was proud of R1-K9. The droid's existence didn't make up for his own failings with the astromech he once had, who essentially died by his hands. But this was still something he worked hard on, with Cassian and Ren's help, and it brought him a level of happiness that he hadn't quite expected.

He didn't know Cassian's opinions on the matter, didn't know Cassian's opinions about Kay. In the seven months that they'd gotten to know each other outside of the context of trying to bring down the Empire, they'd never talked about Kay. He didn't know what happened to the droid, but he knew it wasn't his place to ask.

It's not even on the forefront of his mind right now; having just finished a shift at the mechanic's shop, he'd immediately made use of the shower and changed into comfortable clothes while the droid tried to engage Cassian in playtime. When he ventures into the living room, Bodhi's brows furrow, piecing together the unhappy staring contest and the pile of toys at Cassian's feet.

He takes a seat on the couch cushion beside Cassian, leaving plenty of space between them as he leans down to grab one of the toys to toss it across the room for the droid to fetch.] What's on your mind?

[It's been the process of the month since they switched cities that Cassian has slowly begun to lose his ground. Too much time had passed, and Kay's voice was less and less often the whisper at the back of his thoughts he had taken some comfort in previously.

The towering bucket of sass and blunt honesty he had grown so reliant on was gone, and while he had developed new relationships, worked hard to lock down his emotions, and avoided talking about him as much as possible to avoid acknowledging that he was gone for good, Kay was never far from his thoughts.

Bodhi sitting beside him registers, but his reaction is delayed until the droid takes off after the toy. His hands shift to his knees as Cassian straightens and clears his throat.

He could shove it all down again and say nothing. Bodhi wouldn't press it. Things would be normal again, and Cassian would pat the droid dog on the head to reassure it that no, it had not disappointed him.

Or he could stop bricking the walls of his prison deeper and deeper and say something.

The former was his go to. The latter had never been an option. But he and Bodhi had grown close over the past few months, and Cassian wasn't at war anymore. If he didn't let a wall give a little somewhere he was going to be crushed beneath it all.]

He reminds me of Kay.

[The words hit Bodhi like a wet sack of cement and he's not prepared to deal with it. He doesn't know what to say, what to do, or what Cassian is looking for right now. There's something incredibly tragic about those words, and now Bodhi's suddenly not sure whether this droid has helped or hindered Cassian.

Because they've never talked about Kay. They never talked about Cassian's feelings or the burdens he carried with him. That was never what this was.

After a couple brief moments of consideration, Bodhi knows there's nothing he can say. He doesn't know anything beyond the droid having been Cassian's partner in rebellion missions. Bodhi had hardly had time to get to know Kay in any real fashion, and the last thing he wants is to placate or say anything that sounds hollow.

So instead of anything at all, he decides to take a different approach. Tea always makes things better--even if only superficially for a short amount of time. Without saying anything, he gets up and heads to the kitchenette, silently busying himself with getting a kettle on.]

[Cassian considers leaving Bodhi to his droid. Taking his cigarettes and going for a walk to clear his head and fall back into old routines. It's not that he wants Kay to be forgotten. He could never forget the droid that had been like best friend at times and a responsibility at others. They took care of each other.

It's just that thinking about everything he gave up, from the very beginning with his father, to the end with his life, sets him on a dangerous path. Opening the boxes he kept everything so tightly locked down in could easily lead to disaster for him. It could get out of hand. He could lose himself to the emotions. There were a lot of them, and he had rarely allowed himself to deal with any of them. They would devour him if he let them loose.

He watches the droid follow on Bodhi's heels and pushes to his feet, moving toward the kitchen. There's a long pause while he considers his next course of action, watching Bodhi prepare the water for tea, and then he's behind the pilot with a tired forehead pressing into the back of his shoulder. A moment later it's followed by Cassian leaning into him just slightly.

He doesn't know how to even begin to share this. So he starts with the truth he tells himself every time, though it feels like a lie each time he says it.]

There wasn't time.

[He doesn't pause in what he's doing when Cassian comes into the kitchenette; he pulls out one of the more soothing blends of tea he's come upon in his time on the island, pulls out mugs and anything else they may need.

But when Cassian starts leaning into him, Bodhi rests his hands on the counter and directs his attention to the other man. He doesn't turn around, however. As soon as Cassian speaks, Bodhi has a feeling it might be easier to have this conversation without facing each other. At least, not until there's tea to act as an escape.]

How did it happen?

[It's the question he hasn't asked in all these months. He inferred over the course of it all that it was nothing good, nothing good had come out of that day, at least in the specific context of their survival. But it wasn't his place; Cassian was the one who actually knew Kay, and Bodhi didn't want to upset him by bringing it up before he was ready.

The only reason he asks now is simply because Cassian seems to want to talk about it, and Bodhi is committed to listen for as long as it's needed.]

When we made it to the archives, Kay stayed in the main room to help us pinpoint the location of the file and keep watch, while we went in to extract it.

Our access of the archives must have triggered an extra alarm. When the troopers started coming for us, Kay sealed us into the archives. He used the last moments of his life to locate the file and buy us more time to get it. I assume he destroyed the panel to keep the door from opening so they couldn't reach us.

[He is quiet for a moment, his forehead still pressed to Bodhi's shoulder, unwilling to move for the same reasons. He doesn't want anyone seeing the look on his face again. But even Cassian can't fully keep the pain out of his voice.]

His last word over the comm was 'climb'. [And Cassian had known then and there that Kay was shutting down. He had heard the distortion in his voice.]

[Even though Bodhi had long since assumed Kay was destroyed, it hurts to hear what exactly happened. He doesn't kid himself to thinking that he can fully empathize with Cassian; he'd known the droid for a matter of hours in comparison to what was likely years. The pain Cassian must feel is immense, and it's telling that he can pick it up so easily in his voice.

He's not sure what to say in response to this, though. Apologize? That would just be placating and meaningless. Especially when it's not his fault that Kay was destroyed. An apology wouldn't bring Kay back, and he's not sure if anything can. It's something to think about, maybe look into.

But that doesn't help right now. He's not sure if anything can, apart from just letting Cassian say what he needs to.]

He was instrumental in the success of the mission. [Which is stating the obvious. But he can't bring himself to say more; it would edge into making assumptions about Kay, and while they might not be incorrect at all, it wasn't his place to do so.]

He was. [He appreciates those words far more than any placating or apologizing Bodhi could have attempted. After a moment, his arms wrap around Bodhi from behind and he rests his forehead more evenly on Bodhi's shoulder with a slow, painful exhale.

After a moment of silence, he slips away and moves to take a seat, waiting for Bodhi to finish with the tea. He could leave it at that. He doesn't need to share. Bodhi has no reason to need to know the details of his life. But Cassian closes his eyes with his head bowed and loses himself in memories.]

He looked out for me. [He was the only one, save the passive looking out that Mon Mothma had attempted and failed over the years.]

[As tempted as he is to set his hand on Cassian's, or to turn around and give him a better hug, he refrains from doing so. It's just not worth the risk when he's so uncertain about how Cassian will react, and whether it'll help or hinder. It's so hard to tell when this is such new territory.

So he opts for continuing with his original plan, and it's a bit easier once Cassian moves to the table. Bodhi finishes making the tea, and soon after brings two mugs to the table. He sits across for him, holding his own cup in his hands.]

He was a good droid. Truly one of a kind.

[Cassian drinks from his own mug in silence for a time, letting Bodhi's words linger in his mind. Kay was more than a droid, to him, and he hadn't realized just how much he had come to rely on his snarky co-pilot until he had lost him for good.

He turned the cup in his hands and then leaned back in his chair.]

I was the one who reprogrammed him. I didn't get it right, exactly. There were a lot of protections in place against reprogramming, and when I finished, there were a lot of bugs in the new program. Glitches. They made him a terrible liar, but they gave him a lot more freedom than the usual driod programming allows for. He just kept adapting and disobeying orders.

[There's a short, soft sound of a cut off laugh as he stares back into his tea.] He used to tell me our missions would go a lot smoother if I'd listen to him more. He was usually right.

[Words are failing Bodhi. He was never good at this sort of thing, and it's even harder with Cassian sharing so much more information. The additional context explains a lot, and there's a bit of a hopeless feeling now. There's not really a fix to this, not that Bodhi can think of.

No droid is ever going to be the same, much as one person can never truly replace another. If only it were possible-- Bodhi stops himself at that thought. If only because there's no point in following that line of thought.

Even suggesting it would be cruel.]

I have some cookies that will go with the tea. [He's flying blind here, really. But food will help, surely. Pushing away from the table, he fetches a tin from the cabinet and brings it over, returning to his seat.]

[It's almost a relief when Bodhi doesn't press further, and doesn't seem inclined to push. Cassian has said more or less all he is willing to on the matter. He's never really been one to share readily, or much. He was an intelligence officer. Keeping his ears open and his mouth shut was his life.

He doesn't watch Bodhi leave, or follow his movements, staring at the table distantly instead. When the other man returns, he takes one of the cookies, and bites off a piece of it before coming back from the distant lands of his memory.]

This is good tea.

[Following this conversation.]

We need to talk about something. It's not an emergency but... well, it's something that I think you'd rather hear about sooner than later.

I'm here.

We should talk in person. I got in touch with someone and it doesn't quite make sense but I said I would try to help.

Heading back to the apartments now. Where do you want me to meet you?

My place.

[It's so unused now that it's practically a neutral spot, which will be necessary if Cassian agrees to go along with what Bodhi has in mind. He leaves the door unlocked for Cassian to let himself in, and in the meantime Bodhi occupies himself by fidgeting with unscrewing a television remote.]

15 Minutes.

[It's to the minute, even with him speeding up his pace. 15 minutes later he's letting himself in without even a knock. His eyes dart around the apartment as he enters, nerves and paranoia on higher alert with Bodhi's vague responses.]

Is there anyone else here?

No. But I'm thinking--if you want--that we could organize a meeting.

[He studies Cassian for a moment, before gesturing to the couch.] You should sit. [It might be phrased like a suggestion, but Bodhi doesn't say anything else until he sees Cassian on the couch.]

There's a guy-- a human. But he says he's Kay. I know it sounds ridiculous, but he knows things. About me, the mission. [He pauses.] He doesn't want to get shot.

[Cassian's already on edge by the time he's sitting on the couch, and he stares at Bodhi in silence for a long time after he finishes speaking, his face unreadable, his emotions boiling over internally but never reaching his face. The only evidence of a reaction comes in the slow curling of his fists until his knuckles are white.

He likes to think he knows Bodhi well enough by now, and that Bodhi knows him well enough, that he wouldn't intentionally play with Cassian's emotions in such a cruel, almost sadistic way. Especially not so shortly after they finally discussed Kay's destruction and how it had affected Cassian in ways that had left cracks and scars no one ever saw.

His teeth grind momentarily, and he slowly exhales, his collar hot and his nails biting into his palms.]

A spy? Someone who got hold of Kay's data files. [That had to be it. Cassian's tone gets dangerous, low and even and filled with a well-contained violence.]

I'll kill him.

Edited 2017-07-21 04:36 (UTC)

No! [The response is immediate and he's immediately heading over, kneeling on the floor in front of Cassian. It's not a pleading position so much as ensuring he can face him directly, almost at eye-level.] You're not going to do that. You can't.

[They both know what the ramifications would be for it. Cassian might not care about that right now, or ever, but Bodhi does.] I believe him. You don't have to meet him, but-- I think it would be a good idea. If he's lying, we'll deal with it, but I don't think he is.

[Cassian falls silent for a long moment, eventually breaking eye contact with Bodhi to look away, his jaw still clenched. This is- It's more than he knows what to do with. Rescuing Kay had never seemed like a possibility. At best he could salvage any undamaged data and try to rebuild him, but with so much of Kay's personality and existence hinging on accidental errors and glitches that had happened during the reprogramming, it was unlikely Cassian would ever be able to perfectly recreate the series of fortunate mistakes that had led to the creation of his best friend.

But Kay being there as a human makes even less sense than him as a robot, and was far more difficult to verify. Everything Kay was still came down to data. Data anyone could have gotten ahold of and be using to try and get something from them. What, he doesn't know, but it's suspicious and difficult to imagine an alternative. How and why? Was it even possible to put an inorganic mind in an organic body? He had nearly done the opposite, so perhaps-

He pulls his blaster from the holster at his hip and offers it to Bodhi, finally meeting his eyes again.]

I'll meet him, but you need to keep this away from me.

[When Cassian holds out the blaster, Bodhi takes it and sets it on the floor beside him, pointed away from both of them. He doesn't quite trust something not to go awry if he tucks it into his pants; he'll just move it somewhere safer in a moment.]

You can have it back later.

[He knew this was going to be tough to bring up, but at least this way they can get to the bottom of it without someone getting hurt. He pauses for a moment.] Would it help if I asked Ren to come too, when you meet him? He'd be able to tell if this is real or not.

Do it [At this point, he's not sure anyone could convince him, but he also hasn't met the man claiming to be Kay, and if anyone could convince him, it wouldn't be the one making the claim.

Ren was the best bet.]

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