doandordie | IC Inbox

It's my decision.

[His tone is firm in that moment--trying to stand up for himself, for the choice he made.]

I trust him. There isn't anything to worry about.

I know it is. Just-

[Cassian's fingers flex, his hands wanting to clench but he forces them to relax again.]

Be careful. If you let him in without knowing how to create mental blocks, he has access to everything, not just the parts of your mind you agree to.

I am glad you have found someone to help you, Bodhi. I am not trying to take that away. [It was important Bodhi knew that, but it was also important he was aware of all the risks involved.]

He isn't a creature, he's a person. People are complicated. Even if he doesn't intend to cause you harm, he could. And if he did decide to-

[He has to wonder. Force users are so rare. Is the one helping Bodhi the same man he met on the beach?]

Just be careful, Bodhi. If he decides to do anything or decides to change or sift through your thoughts and use your mind against you, there's little I can do.

[And that unnerves him more than he cares to admit. The idea of losing the shattered remnants of his crew, the only things that mattered left in his life- It was a sickening feeling. It was why he had never allowed himself to gather people he could lose. Though he had failed many times over, the loss of so many of the people he had known and grown up with in the war and especially on Scarif, paired with the destruction and sacrifice of K-2SO- Cassian didn't think he could take much more and keep going.]

Edited 2017-04-25 02:54 (UTC)

[He understands Cassian's concern--he thinks he does, anyway. Appreciates it. It's nice knowing there is someone who is concerned enough about him to broach the topic. But that's the extent of it.

Because Bodhi isn't as paranoid as Cassian. He's too desperate to want his mind back, his memories--everything. Ren's giving him an opportunity for that, and he's determined to follow it, all risks aside.]

He wouldn't do that. I'm the one who badgered him into helping me. Besides--that's against the rules.

[Cassian occasionally wishes he was capable of the surety and naivety of others, to believe that rules would always be followed just because there was a great risk to breaking them. For him, the rules were things he followed in the city, but did not put his trust in. He could not. His entire life had been breaking or watching rules be broken no matter the consequences.

He doesn't press it further immediately, but he also doesn't trust Bodhi's judgement alone. It isn't personal. Cassian trusts no one's judgement. Not even his own at times.]

Have you noticed a difference?

I get headaches after it's all said and done.

[They're not the worst. It's manageable, and figures it's not much different from the physical aches from a long run or something.]

It's hard to tell so far. I think it might be, but it'll be easier to tell in the next weeks or longer.

Keep me updated. [It's a request rather than a demand, but Cassian gives the appearance of having relented, even if he hasn't. Pushing Bodhi would not change his mind, and would only end in more distance between them. He is well aware of that.]

Whatever ends up happening in this city, you will only be leaving here if you choose to.

[It's a promise. He would do whatever necessary to keep the pilot there.]

Don't suppose you'll tell me his name?

[He makes a grunting sound in affirmation; when he has something more to share, he'll be sure to pass it along. It wouldn't be hard to do; tenuous or not, Cassian is something of a friend and Bodhi would want to share something good finally happening.]

What would there be to go back to?

[It's a bit pessimistic, but...]

Depends upon what you intend to do once I tell you.

Nothing more than I did the last time you told me someone's name.

[He's referring to Caleb, not Galen, but he assumes Bodhi will figure that out. The fact that he planned to make sure the other man wasn't a threat to Bodhi's safety and potentially threaten him was left out.

But Bodhi wasn't the only one who didn't see a reason or a point to going back.]

You can always make a new life for yourself here or somewhere else. Your future is in your hands, Bodhi. No one else's.

[He considers it for a moment, and then finally:]

Ren.

[There's some shifting in his seat.] I don't know. I don't know. I'll think about it. There's nothing left for me anymore.

[Jedha is gone, along with his family and most people he knew.]

Maybe not there, but there will be for others thanks to you.

[It's the first time, really, that Cassian has talked about their mission or Scarif since arriving in Eudio beyond figuring out when the other fragments of the crew had arrived and what the state of things had been. He still wasn't sure he believed they had succeeded, but he would never hesitate to assure the others that they had, and that the Rebellion would be able to make use of the plans they had all sacrificed their lives for.

He lowers his hand to rest on Bodhi's upper back, a firm press meant to remind the man he was there.]

You are a talented pilot and mechanic, Bodhi. No matter how impossible starting over may feel, it is still possible.

[For Bodhi who had redeemed himself, who had been through so much and fought to keep his sanity. Who had still fought to make things right even after the rebellion had fractured his mind, imprisoned and tortured him. Cassian was a war criminal. Bodhi? He was a hero.]

[He looks back at Cassian with wide-eyes. He can be told this so many times, but it still means a lot. Because it's somewhat hard to believe. He doesn't know anything for certain, he wants to believe--

But it's not always easy.

But Cassian seems to believe in him, in what they did, their success--

He needs him to. Makes it easier to believe as well.]

You're right.

[Maybe. He's not entirely sure, but he doesn't want to express his doubt.] I'll figure it out.

If you find it's something you need help with, or you ever need to talk through it, I am here.

[Though as he says it Cassian lets his arm drop, getting to his feet.]

It's late. I've had a long week. I'm sure you're tired, too.

[It sounds like the start to a dismissal, like he's asking Bodhi to leave, but he moves to the door as well, a gesture with a tilt of his head suggesting Bodhi follow.]

Tonight is as good a night as any to see whether or not this is something that will work for you.

[He might have been reluctant to mention it earlier--but he can't deny he's exhausted. Has been for a long time--he had thought that he would be able to sleep easily now that he was here, but it wasn't always the case.

There were too many nightmares that plagued him, that woke him up in a panic and cold sweat, sometimes with screams.

He's not sure if having someone with him will help--maybe it will, maybe it won't. But the attempt is worth it, if only for the prospect of furthering his incentive. Would he be kicked out if he didn't? Even if he knows he's just seconds away from his death back on Scarif. (That was assuming he wasn't actually dead; Bodhi wasn't always convinced that this wasn't some iteration of an afterlife.)]

Alright, yeah.

[He wanders off to the bathroom to brush his teeth, change into pajamas, and once done with that climbs into bed, taking the edge closer to the wall, buried under blankets.]

[Cassian gave Bodhi a few minutes to get ready before he followed into the other man's room to find him already under the covers and tucked up by the wall. After months of sleeping on boxsprings, he wasn't sure how well he would sleep on the too soft surface of the mattress, but he was willing to give both it and this a try.

There was a chance none of this would help either of them, but Cassian couldn't allow Bodhi to be sent home, and he had been far less successful in his own efforts than he had anticipated at the start.

He pushed the covers back, sliding in behind Bodhi and moving close until his chest was against the pilot's back, an arm slipped around him loosely, just a constant pressure against Bodhi's side.]

At any point you need me to leave, just tell me. [No feelings needed to be spared. He wanted to help Bodhi, and if this didn't do that, there would be no point to it.]

[It's a strange feeling, having someone close like this. But he trusts Cassian, and he's warm and solid against him. It's oddly comforting.]

I'll let you know.

[The words are muffled from his blanket, but as the night progresses he doesn't have to tell Cassian to leave: he quickly falls into a deep sleep, for once not plagued by the awful nightmares.]

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and then I lost my tag somehow and lazarus was disabled. thanks dw/chrome

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